“No sooner met but they looked; no sooner looked but they loved; no sooner loved but they sighed; no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason; no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy”
-William Shakespeare quotes (English Dramatist, Playwright and Poet, 1564-1616)
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-William Shakespeare quotes (English Dramatist, Playwright and Poet, 1564-1616)
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"The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands."
-Alexander Penney
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"We know what we are, but know not what we may be."
-William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), Hamlet, 1600
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A very important person in my life, one I'll call Poet here -- and introduce more completely, to all my (five) readers at a later date -- recently asked me to write about what I bring to a relationship. It's a valid question; it actually gives me a chance to examine who I want to be, and what things are important to me in my associations. I have developed some valuable qualities when it comes to fostering new relationships and finding new love. Some have been born out of negative experiences in my past, and yet, many of them are based in the positive interactions I've had with others -- paramours, metamours, and even friends. I hope that in all of my relationships, I offer certain healthy attitudes, beneficial skills, and gifts that are appreciated.
Kahlil Gibran wrote, "Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." I want my living to be evocative, exhilarating, and exciting, so I am determined to approach relationships with three specific attitudes.
Because I hope my counterparts will be open and respect my views, my values, and those people and things that are important to me, I first offer a sense of openness. I long to know more about a lover: what makes them tick, what are their dreams, their hopes and fears. I open my life to the individuals and ideas that are a part of the person they choose to be and the manner in which they choose to live.
The second attitude I cultivate in relationships is one of adventure. I want to explore new things, to push my boundaries, and challenge myself. I hope that by doing so, I encourage others to challenge themselves as well. Shepherd encourages me to keep a list of new things I want to try, and asks me often to tell him what he can do to make items from that list a reality. He pushes me, gently and firmly, to keep working. In new relationships I hope I do the same thing. I choose to try and be the person who is eager to explore another’s interest or hobby, to explore something that they enjoy. I do not want to look back on any part of my life with my lovers and wish I'd been bold enough to try. Life is short, and I am determined to live it.
The third attitude I contribute to relationships is curiosity. In my mind and heart, perhaps even in my flesh, there is a thirst to learn, to experience, to crawl inside a person and explore every room, every dark corner, and every closet. I learned to explore this way from Maks.
Early in our relationship he handed me a set of keys, and welcomed me to explore the many rooms inside him. I learned to trust him with a similar set of keys, and the things we discovered together are memories I cherish every day. In each new relationship I find that I crave those opportunities to know a person, to laugh and cry and learn all about who they are.
I also want to grow, to gain knowledge and better myself. Life is a road I’m fortunate enough to travel -- and I want to spend every step exploring myself and others. To that end, I believe I offer a specific skill set in a relationship.
Relationship skills help in times of transition, difference and decision. I am confident that I have at least three skills to offer in any relationship. Firstly, I know, at least to some degree, who I am, and what I want. I've lived half of my life, and had plenty of time to examine what works and what does not work for me. I have always been the type to explore my own feelings and beliefs, and I have a decent grasp on my own identity. I know myself.
There's more to learn, though; so I also cultivate the skill of examining myself. Life and relationships are dynamic and fluid. To live means to change. I have learned to be a student of my own modulation, my own transformations. I acknowledge that all persons are subject to change. Hence, perhaps the most important skill I offer in a relationship is that of communication.
I am learning to communicate effectively in my interactions with Husband. He and I are transitioning, and we are both working hard at the changes we’ve made. Communication is paramount, and he has taught me to listen. I listen well. That wasn’t always a strength, before Husband showed me how. I also speak clearly. I’ve always been very good at putting my thoughts into words, and being communicative.
I’ve learned from Husband that communication is both speaking and listening. These skills, I trust, will be beneficial in strengthening other relationships, and giving them value and security.
Finally, I bring certain gifts to a relationship. These emotional investments, if given in an unbalanced way, could become weaknesses. However, I make an effort to give them in a way that’s healthy, as I encourage others to be responsible and contribute as well.
Primarily, I am generous where I can be. If it’s in my power to give time and energy, or space, to make a lover happy, or to make room for their other loves to be happy too, I give. It’s easy to do when I am secure in the generosity of a loved one, or even in the graciousness of a metamour. I am learning such graciousness from Shepherd’s primary. I hope to write more about these lessons in the future, but for now I can say that she has been a mentor, a friend, and very generous in allowing me to find a place of honor and value in his life. I want to be that person, in the lives of all those I love.
In addition, I am an empathetic person, identifying with and often feeling the emotions of others. I can understand jealousy, frustration, fear and other negative emotions in others, and so I extend an acceptance of those emotions, and patience with the corresponding actions. That tolerance does not last forever, but it is something I give, because I know what it is to struggle with the same human emotions.
Lastly, I fall in love easily. I accept people for who they are, quite readily. Celebrating a lover's joys and accomplishments, seeing their strengths, appreciating their quirks – these are all things I enjoy. I consider each love in my life a valuable gift, unique and worth treasuring, so I try to do so often. Falling easily can be a weakness. I have been rejected and hurt before. Still, I know that the intensity and passion I feel in loving others is well worth the pain I feel when a relationship ends, or for whatever reason, never begins.
I have learned to be honest with myself about my own feelings, to grieve and heal, and love again. I learned this lesson from Dorian, and because of our relationship, I have chosen to be the one who does fall, without undue hesitation, to recognize the characteristics in others that I can love, and to welcome the experience with open arms. It’s who I am, and I am happy with this gift in myself.
I realize that I have not yet arrived, and that in developing new relationships, I have room for growth. I hope I am always the person who is eager to better myself in the way I connect with and treat others. I endeavor to balance my strength and weaknesses, and believe I have some beneficial attitudes, skills, and gifts to offer in any relationship. I hope to continue learning from friends, lovers and their lovers, how to best build and enjoy the associations I have. After all, I have room in my life for a great deal of love. My journey is not just about finding love, but about giving it, and keeping it. I hope I rise to the task every day.
Minding my own feet,
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