"Only Waiting For This Moment."

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

-The Beatles

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by soundlessfall on flickr

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The Journey
-by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles,
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried,
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations --
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

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by LISgirl on flickr

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I happened across this poem in a magazine I have never read. I only picked it up from the stand because it had a poetry focus, and because I love words, I couldn't resist. 

Reading through the magazine offered me several inspirational moments, a couple of epiphanies, and then an extended episode of bird wings fluttering against the bars of my ribcage. This poem reminds me that I have to listen to my own voice. I'm not saying I've decided to stop listening to the voices around me, but I've come to the point --- they've come to the point --- where they can find their bliss themselves. They can be responsible for their own happiness. I love my children. I love my grandchildren. I love my husband, my parents, my siblings. I will do everything within my power to contribute to their success, their happiness.

Everything except deny my own.

I have to open the door to my cage, and fly.  It's up to me to figure out exactly how.

Spread your own wings, travelers.

The Question

“No sooner met but they looked; no sooner looked but they loved; no sooner loved but they sighed; no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason; no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy”
-William Shakespeare quotes (English Dramatist, Playwright and Poet, 1564-1616)
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"The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands."
-Alexander Penney
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"We know what we are, but know not what we may be."
-William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), Hamlet, 1600
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A very important person in my life, one I'll call Poet here -- and introduce more completely, to all my (five) readers at a later date -- recently asked me to write about what I bring to a relationship. It's a valid question; it actually gives me a chance to examine who I want to be, and what things are important to me in my associations. I have developed some valuable qualities when it comes to fostering new relationships and finding new love. Some have been born out of negative experiences in my past, and yet, many of them are based in the positive interactions I've had with others -- paramours, metamours, and even friends. I hope that in all of my relationships, I offer certain healthy attitudes, beneficial skills, and gifts that are appreciated. 

Kahlil Gibran wrote, "Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." I want my living to be evocative, exhilarating, and exciting, so I am determined to approach relationships with three specific attitudes.

Because I hope my counterparts will be open and respect my views, my values, and those people and things that are important to me, I first offer a sense of openness. I long to know more about a lover: what makes them tick, what are their dreams, their hopes and fears. I open my life to the individuals and ideas that are a part of the person they choose to be and the manner in which they choose to live.

The second attitude I cultivate in relationships is one of adventure. I want to explore new things, to push my boundaries, and challenge myself. I hope that by doing so, I encourage others to challenge themselves as well.  Shepherd encourages me to keep a list of new things I want to try, and asks me often to tell him what he can do to make items from that list a reality. He pushes me, gently and firmly, to keep working. In new relationships I hope I do the same thing. I choose to try and be the person who is eager to explore another’s interest or hobby, to explore something that they enjoy. I do not want to look back on any part of my life with my lovers and wish I'd been bold enough to try. Life is short, and I am determined to live it.

The third attitude I contribute to relationships is curiosity. In my mind and heart, perhaps even in my flesh, there is a thirst to learn, to experience, to crawl inside a person and explore every room, every dark corner, and every closet. I learned to explore this way from Maks.

Early in our relationship he handed me a set of keys, and welcomed me to explore the many rooms inside him. I learned to trust him with a similar set of keys, and the things we discovered together are memories I cherish every day. In each new relationship I find that I crave those opportunities to know a person, to laugh and cry and learn all about who they are.

I also want to grow, to gain knowledge and better myself. Life is a road I’m fortunate enough to travel -- and I want to spend every step exploring myself and others. To that end, I believe I offer a specific skill set in a relationship.

Relationship skills help in times of transition, difference and decision. I am confident that I have at least three skills to offer in any relationship. Firstly, I know, at least to some degree, who I am, and what I want. I've lived half of my life, and had plenty of time to examine what works and what does not work for me. I have always been the type to explore my own feelings and beliefs, and I have a decent grasp on my own identity. I know myself.

There's more to learn, though; so I also cultivate the skill of examining myself. Life and relationships are dynamic and fluid. To live means to change. I have learned to be a student of my own modulation, my own transformations. I acknowledge that all persons are subject to change. Hence, perhaps the most important skill I offer in a relationship is that of communication.

I am learning to communicate effectively in my interactions with Husband.  He and I are transitioning, and we are both working hard at the changes we’ve made.  Communication is paramount, and he has taught me to listen.  I listen well.  That wasn’t always a strength, before Husband showed me how.  I also speak clearly.  I’ve always been very good at putting my thoughts into words, and being communicative.  

I’ve learned from Husband that communication is both speaking and listening. These skills, I trust, will be beneficial in strengthening other relationships, and giving them value and security.

Finally, I bring certain gifts to a relationship. These emotional investments, if given in an unbalanced way, could become weaknesses. However, I make an effort to give them in a way that’s healthy, as I encourage others to be responsible and contribute as well.

Primarily, I am generous where I can be. If it’s in my power to give time and energy, or space, to make a lover happy, or to make room for their other loves to be happy too, I give. It’s easy to do when I am secure in the generosity of a loved one, or even in the graciousness of a metamour. I am learning such graciousness from Shepherd’s primary. I hope to write more about these lessons in the future, but for now I can say that she has been a mentor, a friend, and very generous in allowing me to find a place of honor and value in his life. I want to be that person, in the lives of all those I love.

In addition, I am an empathetic person, identifying with and often feeling the emotions of others. I can understand jealousy, frustration, fear and other negative emotions in others, and so I extend an acceptance of those emotions, and patience with the corresponding actions.  That tolerance does not last forever, but it is something I give, because I know what it is to struggle with the same human emotions. 

Lastly, I fall in love easily. I accept people for who they are, quite readily. Celebrating a lover's joys and accomplishments, seeing their strengths, appreciating their quirks – these are all things I enjoy. I consider each love in my life a valuable gift, unique and worth treasuring, so I try to do so often. Falling easily can be a weakness. I have been rejected and hurt before. Still, I know that the intensity and passion I feel in loving others is well worth the pain I feel when a relationship ends, or for whatever reason, never begins. 

I have learned to be honest with myself about my own feelings, to grieve and heal, and love again. I learned this lesson from Dorian, and because of our relationship, I have chosen to be the one who does fall, without undue hesitation, to recognize the characteristics in others that I can love, and to welcome the experience with open arms. It’s who I am, and I am happy with this gift in myself.

I realize that I have not yet arrived, and that in developing new relationships, I have room for growth. I hope I am always the person who is eager to better myself in the way I connect with and treat others. I endeavor to balance my strength and weaknesses, and believe I have some beneficial attitudes, skills, and gifts to offer in any relationship. I hope to continue learning from friends, lovers and their lovers, how to best build and enjoy the associations I have. After all, I have room in my life for a great deal of love. My journey is not just about finding love, but about giving it, and keeping it. I hope I rise to the task every day.


Minding my own feet,

I love you, and...

"She grew up on the side of the road 
where church bells ring and strong love grows...
Steady as a preacher, free as a weed, 
couldn't wait to get going but wasn't quite ready to leave... 
There's a wild, wild whisper blowing in the wind, 
calling out my name like a long-lost friend..."
-Cary Barlowe, Hillary Lindsey and Shane Stevens 
(Lady Antebellum) American Honey, released January 11, 2010
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She has the wind as a witness, she has feelings that fly by night
She believes in forgiveness, but it's not love if it holds too tight

And you can fly beside her, but you gotta go where your heart says go
She lets the bright lights guide her, through the rain and the drivin' snow
Where she comes from she don't know

She's a child of the wild blue yonder flying out of here
She's a child of the wild blue yonder, born in an angel's tear

If you see her falling that's just a little trick she does
She makes a dive for the pain that's calling, 
then heads for the clouds like a little dove

She can't help her laughing, she can't stop your crying days
Sometimes it hurts to be having, to hold on a love that 
surely must fly away

Medicine woman raised her, Spirit father praised her 
Through their love she was set free.
From a baby kicking and screaming 
to a full blood woman dreaming
With the power just to be

- John Hiatt
Child of the Wild Blue Yonder, released 1990
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I love you, and...

There's a voice calling me, it whispers and shouts and sings and cries to me that my life is OUT THERE in a great big world of possibility, and that time is not standing still.  It is my voice.  I am ready to press forward and live every moment to it's fullest for the rest  of my life.

In the interest of strengthening us, and giving you time to get your bearings, I've slowed my pace to a stroll.

by laurenmanning on Flickr

And I love strolling with you.  I want to support you in your journey, to share your discoveries, to laugh and cry and hold your hand.

I think your journey is incredible. It has moments of breathtaking beauty.  I am amazed every day by both it, and the fact you want to keep sharing it with me.

And I want to.

I love you...

And.

(by Zachd1_618 on flickr)

I'm struggling.  

I am who I am.  In the world of  "wolf-pack" mentality, I am a leader, an alpha.  I am not a follower, not mild mannered, not content to let someone set the pace.  I want to be the lead dog, racing through the arctic wilderness, living the adventure.

I love you. I love your road, I love to stroll it with you...

And.

I long for the challenge of scaling the rocks and cliffs that make up my own journey.  

My own life.  My own direction. My own pace.

I hear it calling me, and every day I make it promises.

Soon the time will be right.
Soon I will be free.
Soon.

If I've learned anything from Cesar Millan, it's this:  Alpha dogs who are made to follow are unhappy.  Beta dogs who are forced to assume the alpha role, are stressed and unhappy.  Each resents not being able to take the place that fits them.  These are the dogs that growl and bite and misbehave.

I have been swallowing resentment in small doses.  I chose to stroll your road with you, to let you set the pace, to strengthen our relationship. I don't regret that choice, but I can feel my own stress and unhappiness.  I can see myself growling, biting and misbehaving.

I love you, And.

My journey is calling me.  I need to climb the cliffs, to run ahead.  I also need to come back to your road, and stroll a while, to share your journey, and my excitement  over my own.  I need to talk about how to find my way, and how to support you as you find yours.

I love you.

And, it's time.