Lessons from Butterflies

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. "
-C. S. Lewis 

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"Transformation literally means going beyond your form. "
-Wayne Dyer 
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"There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse!  As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place." 
-Washington Irving
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"Growth is the only evidence of life."  
-John Henry Newman, Apologia pro vita sua, 1864
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"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."  
-Author Unknown
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So, there's this part of transforming from a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous one that is extremely complicated.  The communication is hard work.  The emotions run high.  The stress is real.  Don't get me wrong; this isn't a rant.  I just figure if my plan here is to be real about my journey, then I need to tell you --- whoever you are out there reading ---that sometimes it's really, really hard.  

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/randyread/931759178/)

Husband and I have spent the past couple of weeks hashing out some feelings; something I'm used to, but he isn't.  It's not easy for either of us.  Probably the biggest challenge we face involves time, and dividing it between different activities and people.  I understand that for Husband --- who a few years ago never really had to give up time with me --- the change is unnerving. It can't be easy now, watching me invest time in outside activities, hobbies, social groups and yes, in my relationship with Shepherd. It's logical that his first instinct is to hold tighter, instead of letting go.

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/randyread/1007678907/in/photostream/)

No matter how much he agrees (in theory) that I need time to myself, to create, to grow, to invest in the people and things that are important to me... no matter how much he admits that the majority of my time and energy has been going into our relationship and this transition, the day-to-day reality is just hard.  It's tough to focus on the positive, which is why I make a concerted effort to tell and show Husband every day that I love him, that I need him, and want him to be who he is in my life.  I remind him that I'm not looking for a replacement, that I'm not going anywhere, and that nobody is better at this job of being him than he is.  

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/randyread/1007678937/in/photostream/)

Still, some days I don't have the energy to carry him, or to check on him, or to walk on eggshells, worried that he'll fall apart.  I'm learning how important it is to nurture myself.  If I don't get my needs met, I don't have what I need to invest in the work of building and strengthening our relationship.   This whole journey is very much about balance and honesty.  So beginning Tuesday night, I took some time last week to hide out in my room, my cocoon.  I read, I wrote, I chatted with some online friends I haven't connected with in a while.  It was a long three days, but I needed the solitude.

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/randyread/931567394/sizes/m/in/photostream/)

And Husband didn't love it, but he gave me space to find my way back to us.  We spent the weekend talking, holding each other, sharing our feelings and our fears.  We read through the chapter in The Ethical Slut titled "Road Maps Through Jealousy", which really helped us deal with the roller coaster emotions we've been riding.  Things aren't perfect yet, but we are stronger, and ready to do some more work.

Changes can be tough, even painful.  

But once we emerge, and our wings dry... the resulting flight will be amazing.  

I believe it.

Keep your feet,

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