Lessons from Butterflies

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. "
-C. S. Lewis 

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"Transformation literally means going beyond your form. "
-Wayne Dyer 
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"There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse!  As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place." 
-Washington Irving
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"Growth is the only evidence of life."  
-John Henry Newman, Apologia pro vita sua, 1864
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"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."  
-Author Unknown
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So, there's this part of transforming from a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous one that is extremely complicated.  The communication is hard work.  The emotions run high.  The stress is real.  Don't get me wrong; this isn't a rant.  I just figure if my plan here is to be real about my journey, then I need to tell you --- whoever you are out there reading ---that sometimes it's really, really hard.  

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/randyread/931759178/)

Husband and I have spent the past couple of weeks hashing out some feelings; something I'm used to, but he isn't.  It's not easy for either of us.  Probably the biggest challenge we face involves time, and dividing it between different activities and people.  I understand that for Husband --- who a few years ago never really had to give up time with me --- the change is unnerving. It can't be easy now, watching me invest time in outside activities, hobbies, social groups and yes, in my relationship with Shepherd. It's logical that his first instinct is to hold tighter, instead of letting go.

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/randyread/1007678907/in/photostream/)

No matter how much he agrees (in theory) that I need time to myself, to create, to grow, to invest in the people and things that are important to me... no matter how much he admits that the majority of my time and energy has been going into our relationship and this transition, the day-to-day reality is just hard.  It's tough to focus on the positive, which is why I make a concerted effort to tell and show Husband every day that I love him, that I need him, and want him to be who he is in my life.  I remind him that I'm not looking for a replacement, that I'm not going anywhere, and that nobody is better at this job of being him than he is.  

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/randyread/1007678937/in/photostream/)

Still, some days I don't have the energy to carry him, or to check on him, or to walk on eggshells, worried that he'll fall apart.  I'm learning how important it is to nurture myself.  If I don't get my needs met, I don't have what I need to invest in the work of building and strengthening our relationship.   This whole journey is very much about balance and honesty.  So beginning Tuesday night, I took some time last week to hide out in my room, my cocoon.  I read, I wrote, I chatted with some online friends I haven't connected with in a while.  It was a long three days, but I needed the solitude.

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/randyread/931567394/sizes/m/in/photostream/)

And Husband didn't love it, but he gave me space to find my way back to us.  We spent the weekend talking, holding each other, sharing our feelings and our fears.  We read through the chapter in The Ethical Slut titled "Road Maps Through Jealousy", which really helped us deal with the roller coaster emotions we've been riding.  Things aren't perfect yet, but we are stronger, and ready to do some more work.

Changes can be tough, even painful.  

But once we emerge, and our wings dry... the resulting flight will be amazing.  

I believe it.

Keep your feet,

Winter Solstice

In the bleak midwinter Frosty wind made moan, Earth stood hard as iron, Water like a stone; Snow had fallen, snow on snow, Snow on snow, In the bleak midwinter, Long ago.
~Christina G. Rossetti


O Winter! bar thine adamantine doors: The north is thine; there hast thou build thy dark, Deep-founded habitation. Shake not thy roofs, Nor bend thy pillars with thine iron car.
~William Blake


There's a certain Slant of light, Winter Afternoons-- That oppresses, like the Heft Of Cathedral Tunes--
~Emily Dickinson

It snowed and snowed, the whole world over, Snow swept the world from end to end. A candle burned on the table; A candle burned.

~Boris Pasternak

Every mile is two in winter.
~George Herbert
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(http://www.flickr.com/photos/wader/9354427/sizes/m/in/photostream/)

I am feeling the winter solstice -- that longest darkest night between the comfort of the sun's last embrace, and the warmth of his next.  I last saw my Shepherd six weeks ago.  It was indescribable being with this man whom I love so deeply, and who loves me well, knows me deeply in return.  I will see him again, in six weeks.  Normally, we will try to schedule a weekend every two months, and in fact, we've done that.  The countdown has begun. However, what with the holidays, and two very long winter months... you see my point.  


"Every mile is two in winter." And right now, 251 feels like 500.


And 2.


Shepherd and I have often talked about how difficult it is to be so far from one we love.  Our relationship is built on phone calls, text messages and emails.  We schedule time each week for our 'being together apart' call, we reach for each other several times each day through the wonderful technology of smart phones, and I love it all.  Still we feel the distance, like hundreds of thousands of lovers throughout the ages who have, and still do live apart.  It is the world we live in, and it is the polyamorous relationship we have chosen.


On the other hand, quite literally, there is my Husband.  


Husband is very much monogamous, at this point.  He is working very hard at this open marriage.  I love him dearly, and am amazed that he would love me enough to adjust to me having other loves.  He is incredible, and the work is difficult.


Very difficult on us both.


Especially when the midwinter blues arrive, and I really, really want to be with my Shepherd.  I know my Husband senses the sadness in me.  I know he's frustrated by the fact that he can't fill that space.  I carry some guilt for what I think I'm putting him through... wanting to be with someone else while I'm with him.  Damn these emotions are hard to balance and impossible to control.  I love my husband deeply, need him, and enjoy the life we share.  Even when the work is hard, and the communication seems so strained and frustrating -- there is hope, affection and respect.  Husband acknowledges that there are needs in me he can't meet, spaces he can't fill.  He respects that I am a huge vessel and need the love of others poured into, and out of myself, in order to be happy.  Yet the emotions that come with that reality are sometimes heavy, and rough.  I don't like watching him carry them.  I'm sure he doesn't like watching me carry them either.


This night is dark, and cold.  I am warmed by the love of two men, and for that I'm grateful.  What I really want, is to see the sun.




Keep traveling, and mind your feet.

The Writer and the Broken Hallelujah

Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
-Hallelujah, Cohen (Buckley version.)


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Tu Es Partout

-Edith Piaf

Nous nous aimions bien tendrement
Comme s'aiment tous les amants
Et puis un jour tu m'as quittee
Depuis je suis desesperee
Je te vois partout dans le ciel
Je te vois partout sur la terre
Tu es ma joie et mon soleil
Ma nuit, mes jours, mes aubes claires

Tu es partout car tu es dans mon coeur
Tu es partout car tu es mon bonheur
Toutes les choses qui sont autour de moi
Meme la vie ne represente que toi
Des fois je reve que je suis dans tes bras
Et qu'a l'oreille tu me parles tout bas
Tu dis des choses qui font fermer les yeux
Et moi je trouve ca merveilleux

Peut-etre un jour tu reviendras
Je sais que mon coeur t'attendras
Tu ne pourras pas oublier
Les jours que nous avons passes
Mes yeux te cherchent sans arret
Ecoute bien mon coeur t'appelle
Nous pourrons si bien nous aimer
Tu verras la vie sera belle

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English Translation (in part)

We loved eachother tenderly
like we loved all lovers
Then one day you left me
ever since...
I see you everywhere in the sky
I see you everywhere on the earth...

You are everywhere because you are in my heart...

Sometimes I dream that I am in you arms
and you speak softly in my ears
You say things that make me close my eyes
and I find that marvelous

Maybe on day you will return...
...you can not forget
the past days we spent together

-

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/ritman/4589164223/sizes/m/in/photostream/)

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There was once a writer, a man, I'll call him Dorian, who taught me many things about loving more than one.  He gave himself to me, without expectation.  He loved me, and he showed me how to trust myself, how to love honestly.  He was a man who didn't trust himself always, who dealt with his own demons.  The long and the short of the story is that after months of polyamory, he chose monogamy.  He chose someone else, and left me.

He promised that I was too important to him, to just walk away and not be friends.  Turns out, friendship was possibly too painful for him.  It was difficult, bloody, raw... the aftermath of our break-up.  I struggled to heal alone. It's been seven months, and I am finally happy again.  My life is full of love and I am proud of who I am, who I have become.

Still I struggle with the holes he left behind, when he pulled himself out of my life.  I've been reluctant even to write about it. There's still a room in my heart that belongs to him.  It's empty, but it's still his.   Today I decided it was time to move on.  To let go.  So here are three journal entries, the whole of what I have written privately about the journey.  It's not nearly enough, but it's all I have.

He may never read it, and that's okay.  I needed to write it, anyway.  Especially the latest entry.

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July, 2010


How is it that our world can come crashing in, and it feels as though the oxygen is gone, the ground is crumbling beneath my feet, and every part of me hurts, and you can go on like everything is wonderful, and you are the happiest you've ever been. Did I leave no scars behind when you asked me to remove myself from your heart? Did you not bleed, as I am bleeding?


November, 2010


I walk on.
I make myself whole.
I find my bliss without you.


But there are parts of me
that I gave to you. Parts
that I cannot get back,
because they became part of you.


You took them when you left me.
I am both whole, and living
with the holes you left in me.


January 2011


Once My Partout,


I spent the night listening to songs about being left behind, crying as I sang along, wandering around the ghost-town places where I used to see you, and now only see shadows. It's been 218 days, and still there are dark, cold corners in me that ache for your smile, for your laugh. I know the lover in you has long since died... the one that loved me anyway. Still, I hurt so badly for the best friend that you were.


I confess that sometimes I look into the mirror, and see the woman you showed me there, and I wonder what happened that made it so easy for you to walk away. It's as though I became a misty figment of your imagination, and once the daylight broke through your cloudy sky, I evaporated. Simple and easy.


I wonder why I don't just take all the trinkets that represent our connection, and lock them away in a box, throwing away the key, and still, I find them, in boxes and bowls, in drawers and tucked into the pages of books. There's a ghost in my library, a book on my table, a watch in my drawer, there's a key, a scrap of cloth, a bottle of wine. I wonder why I hold onto the hope that you will someday wake up and decide you can  - even want to - live in a world where I still exist.


I know the answer, the reason why, is that you were no shadow for me. You were real, flesh and blood and bone. You gave me a reason to believe, and to give myself to someone without fear. You were once the man I trusted with every secret - not a phantom. I believed in you. I still do.


I tell myself that having me in your life became too painful. You had to choose, and choosing meant you couldn't deal with being friends. I don't blame you for choosing. I honestly want your new love to last. I want you to believe that you can be successfully monogamous, and that you're worth the time and effort. I want you to find your bliss, and be happy with the life you've chosen.


I guess it's too much to ask, to have all that, and stay connected too. I guess I can't expect to keep a friend who would be happy for me when I am happy, and cheer me on as I grow. It's who you used to be. Not any more. But I am. Happy. My life is amazing without you. I have so much to be thankful for, and I've worked hard to earn the loves I now have in my world. I wish you knew.


I won't lock away the mementos, the memories, because I'm proud of our past. I'm proud of who I was with you, and how I grew. Even the pain you left behind changed me, made me stronger, made me capable of finding my own joy and contentment. My happiness I earned with what I learned from you, from your love, and from your choice. I owe you a debt of gratitude; and I don't regret a single day I spent in your light or in your darkness.


Today I take a step down the road that leads me away from the emptiness you left behind. Today I accept that you are forever gone. My friend, my love, my past. You no longer exist. I will stop looking for you in corners where I used to see your face, or smell your scent. I will stop hoping that someday I'll pick up the phone and hear your voice, or glance up in a book store and find you looking at me over the shelf.


What we shared was beautiful and pure, and indescribable. It is also over. It was so intense that it burned away all chance at friendship after it died.  I know that now.  So, if by some chance, in some tomorrow to come, I meet you on the street, and you speak, I'll introduce myself. For you will not know the me I've grown to be. I am a distant relative to the woman you once loved. I'll smile and nod. I'll be thrilled at the happiness you've found . . . and that is as it should be.


Be well.


- Once Your Beloved


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