More Amour: WIth This Ring

9.8.10

WIth This Ring

There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time.
-Rebecca West
1892-1983

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/maxshirley/96946032/)

I put my wedding ring back on today. I'm not quite sure exactly where we stand, but Husband and I agreed last night on two things:

We want to take steps to make it easier for him to deal with sharing me, talking about people in whom I'm interested, communicating openly about jealousy, fear, possibility and opening up our marriage, and reading more resource books as we move things forward.

We also want to take specific steps to strengthen our relationship, beyond friendship. This means date nights get priority, and we plan seductions, with the help of Laura Corn's101 Nights Books:

(I have no idea why the Dares book is so expensive, we didn't pay that for it. Someone must be selling it used, and think it's priceless. Maybe it's a signed copy? Still, hopefully you can find it cheap somewhere.)

Anyway, things are looking up with the husband, and it's nice to be able to relax around him. I'm hopeful about possibilities, too. Another meeting of local polys coming up in a few days, and that means new friends to meet, then I'm off on a plane to spend the weekend with some more friends.

It's strange, really, feels sort of new, but I know this man. He was my best friend, once. I miss that easy, comfortable feeling with him. There's still a part of me that fears he'll decide he can't share me, and his only other option is to walk away. I know I'm asking him to make a huge adjustment, even on a trial basis. Not knowing what would happen is what kept me from being honest with him in the first place about how I feel, and what I want from this life. I'm glad I took a leap of faith, and decided to go after what I want, even if it meant risking the safety I have with him. Maybe, just maybe, he'll stick around and let me keep loving him, as I love others too. Huge adjustment. But I know now, whether we stay together or go our separate ways, we made every effort to love and support each other, and give each other room to grow.

What more can I ask?

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The Traveler - An Introduction

She was thinking of white paper and dark ink, and the difficulty and danger of scoring a page with lines of ink, to make it sing, if it could. If she could make it. But if it sang, perhaps it would say something other than she intended. Perhaps it couldn't help but say who she was, where she was, though she kept all things hidden that she could manage.
-from "A Lion Among Men",
by Gregory Maguire

I've always been a writer. Words and ink are in my blood, they are my breath, my heartbeat. I've been used to spilling across the page all my deepest thoughts and perceptions, sharing my discoveries and growth with readers, because I, like many, just want to be known.

In recent years, I've been silent, not writing about one very important part of my life; I've been afraid that writing would uncover something I wasn't ready to share with some -- some who loved me, who thought they knew me, some who would surely not understand.

I've learned however, that that silence has crippled me. I've been unable to process much of this journey, this growing, because I'm not writing about it. I needed a place to "fling a mass of odds and ends," and make sense of it all on my own.

What sort of diary should I like mine to be? Something looseknit and yet not slovenly, so elastic that it will embrace anything, solemn, slight or beautiful that comes into my mind. I should like it to resemble some deep old desk, or capacious hold-all, in which one flings a mass of odds and ends without looking them through.
-Virginia Woolf,
1882-1941

And so, at long last, I've come to this place, where I'm ready to journal about my self-discovery, about the path I've chosen, and the joys and sorrows I encounter along the way.

I am seeking love, with more than one; I am determined to live an ethically polyamorous lifestyle, and hope to map out a life that honors that love, my discovery of it, and those with whom I share it.

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
-Anais Nin
1930-1977

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9.8.10

WIth This Ring

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