The Writer and the Broken Hallelujah

Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
-Hallelujah, Cohen (Buckley version.)


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Tu Es Partout

-Edith Piaf

Nous nous aimions bien tendrement
Comme s'aiment tous les amants
Et puis un jour tu m'as quittee
Depuis je suis desesperee
Je te vois partout dans le ciel
Je te vois partout sur la terre
Tu es ma joie et mon soleil
Ma nuit, mes jours, mes aubes claires

Tu es partout car tu es dans mon coeur
Tu es partout car tu es mon bonheur
Toutes les choses qui sont autour de moi
Meme la vie ne represente que toi
Des fois je reve que je suis dans tes bras
Et qu'a l'oreille tu me parles tout bas
Tu dis des choses qui font fermer les yeux
Et moi je trouve ca merveilleux

Peut-etre un jour tu reviendras
Je sais que mon coeur t'attendras
Tu ne pourras pas oublier
Les jours que nous avons passes
Mes yeux te cherchent sans arret
Ecoute bien mon coeur t'appelle
Nous pourrons si bien nous aimer
Tu verras la vie sera belle

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English Translation (in part)

We loved eachother tenderly
like we loved all lovers
Then one day you left me
ever since...
I see you everywhere in the sky
I see you everywhere on the earth...

You are everywhere because you are in my heart...

Sometimes I dream that I am in you arms
and you speak softly in my ears
You say things that make me close my eyes
and I find that marvelous

Maybe on day you will return...
...you can not forget
the past days we spent together

-

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/ritman/4589164223/sizes/m/in/photostream/)

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There was once a writer, a man, I'll call him Dorian, who taught me many things about loving more than one.  He gave himself to me, without expectation.  He loved me, and he showed me how to trust myself, how to love honestly.  He was a man who didn't trust himself always, who dealt with his own demons.  The long and the short of the story is that after months of polyamory, he chose monogamy.  He chose someone else, and left me.

He promised that I was too important to him, to just walk away and not be friends.  Turns out, friendship was possibly too painful for him.  It was difficult, bloody, raw... the aftermath of our break-up.  I struggled to heal alone. It's been seven months, and I am finally happy again.  My life is full of love and I am proud of who I am, who I have become.

Still I struggle with the holes he left behind, when he pulled himself out of my life.  I've been reluctant even to write about it. There's still a room in my heart that belongs to him.  It's empty, but it's still his.   Today I decided it was time to move on.  To let go.  So here are three journal entries, the whole of what I have written privately about the journey.  It's not nearly enough, but it's all I have.

He may never read it, and that's okay.  I needed to write it, anyway.  Especially the latest entry.

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July, 2010


How is it that our world can come crashing in, and it feels as though the oxygen is gone, the ground is crumbling beneath my feet, and every part of me hurts, and you can go on like everything is wonderful, and you are the happiest you've ever been. Did I leave no scars behind when you asked me to remove myself from your heart? Did you not bleed, as I am bleeding?


November, 2010


I walk on.
I make myself whole.
I find my bliss without you.


But there are parts of me
that I gave to you. Parts
that I cannot get back,
because they became part of you.


You took them when you left me.
I am both whole, and living
with the holes you left in me.


January 2011


Once My Partout,


I spent the night listening to songs about being left behind, crying as I sang along, wandering around the ghost-town places where I used to see you, and now only see shadows. It's been 218 days, and still there are dark, cold corners in me that ache for your smile, for your laugh. I know the lover in you has long since died... the one that loved me anyway. Still, I hurt so badly for the best friend that you were.


I confess that sometimes I look into the mirror, and see the woman you showed me there, and I wonder what happened that made it so easy for you to walk away. It's as though I became a misty figment of your imagination, and once the daylight broke through your cloudy sky, I evaporated. Simple and easy.


I wonder why I don't just take all the trinkets that represent our connection, and lock them away in a box, throwing away the key, and still, I find them, in boxes and bowls, in drawers and tucked into the pages of books. There's a ghost in my library, a book on my table, a watch in my drawer, there's a key, a scrap of cloth, a bottle of wine. I wonder why I hold onto the hope that you will someday wake up and decide you can  - even want to - live in a world where I still exist.


I know the answer, the reason why, is that you were no shadow for me. You were real, flesh and blood and bone. You gave me a reason to believe, and to give myself to someone without fear. You were once the man I trusted with every secret - not a phantom. I believed in you. I still do.


I tell myself that having me in your life became too painful. You had to choose, and choosing meant you couldn't deal with being friends. I don't blame you for choosing. I honestly want your new love to last. I want you to believe that you can be successfully monogamous, and that you're worth the time and effort. I want you to find your bliss, and be happy with the life you've chosen.


I guess it's too much to ask, to have all that, and stay connected too. I guess I can't expect to keep a friend who would be happy for me when I am happy, and cheer me on as I grow. It's who you used to be. Not any more. But I am. Happy. My life is amazing without you. I have so much to be thankful for, and I've worked hard to earn the loves I now have in my world. I wish you knew.


I won't lock away the mementos, the memories, because I'm proud of our past. I'm proud of who I was with you, and how I grew. Even the pain you left behind changed me, made me stronger, made me capable of finding my own joy and contentment. My happiness I earned with what I learned from you, from your love, and from your choice. I owe you a debt of gratitude; and I don't regret a single day I spent in your light or in your darkness.


Today I take a step down the road that leads me away from the emptiness you left behind. Today I accept that you are forever gone. My friend, my love, my past. You no longer exist. I will stop looking for you in corners where I used to see your face, or smell your scent. I will stop hoping that someday I'll pick up the phone and hear your voice, or glance up in a book store and find you looking at me over the shelf.


What we shared was beautiful and pure, and indescribable. It is also over. It was so intense that it burned away all chance at friendship after it died.  I know that now.  So, if by some chance, in some tomorrow to come, I meet you on the street, and you speak, I'll introduce myself. For you will not know the me I've grown to be. I am a distant relative to the woman you once loved. I'll smile and nod. I'll be thrilled at the happiness you've found . . . and that is as it should be.


Be well.


- Once Your Beloved


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