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18.9.11

Images

When I close my eyes I can still see, hear, feel, smell and taste:

The line of his jaw while he sleeps.
The good-morning scent of him on the pillow-slip.
The flecks in his eyes that catch the sunlight through the window.
The weight of his leg at my hip.
The heat of his bottom lip between both of mine.
The flick of his tongue against the roof of my mouth.
The beat of his heart at my shoulder.
The growl at the back of his throat.
The scrape of his rough cheek against my breast.
The way the words "such a good girl" flow from his tongue.
The dark flame of hunger when he looks down at me.
The sting of his palm on my skin.
The quirk of his brows when I shudder.
The arch of his back as he succumbs to pleasure.
The peace in his embrace.




8.9.11

Letter to Self - Two

"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
-Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, Alice in Wonderland.



"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
-John Lennon, Imagine



"I have a dream."
Martin Luther King, Jr.



"Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.""But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."
"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
-Max Ehrmann



"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."
-Anaïs Nin


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There are those in my life who encourage this "letters-to-self" idea. They remind me to be who I am, and to be gentle with myself as I keep growing. They don't let me get away with childishness, but they acknowledge my child-likeness. They are good people, good friends. I write this letter in response to their encouragement.

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Dear Self,

So, you’ve started, just a little, to believe in yourself again, haven’t you? I can tell, because you look different in the mirror -- more at peace with who you are. I know there are still unresolved issues and things you wrestle with and worry over. I know you still feel not quite normal, and a little ‘too much’. I see that too, when you look in the mirror. It hides around your eyes.

I want to remind you that the best way to find yourself loved and accepted is to be that awkward, romantic, creative and child-like person that you are. You cannot assume, or try to fit the imagined expectations of others. If you do not embrace being your true self, others will find you fake and insincere.

And, baby girl, you should never hide who you really are.

Others may find you naive, an idealistic dreamer, passionate, intense and child-like. I know that makes you want to focus on the negatives, because you remember being labeled a handful, and too much, and you know what it’s like to be left behind because being in a relationship with you took too much energy.

I want you to think about it from another angle though. I want you to imagine that the things others have said -- others who love you very, very much -- are all quite true. You are unique, amazing, growing, changing, passionate, loving, intense, creative, gifted, intelligent, beautiful, child-like, poetic, and loved for being all these things and more.

Your creativity has inspired those you love to be loving to others in little sentimental ways, and so they have been given a part of who you are by someone who loves you very much. You have been influential, and you have marked the hearts and lives of others in ways both memorable and good.

Yes, you are messy.
You are rough around the edges.
You don’t have it all together.

Remember, I told you I refuse to let you polish away everything until you are all perfect and boring? I meant that. You are not ‘normal’. You never have been. Since you were a very small child, you have been who you are. You are growing, changing, blooming, learning. But you have always been who you are on the inside.

That little girl desperately needs you to be true to her.
The men you love - and who love you - want you to be that girl.

So you keep growing, you keep learning. You deal with your insecurities, and you figure out new ways to belong to a family, and to make your relationships stronger. And when you fall, when you are scraped up and bruised because you were awkward and clumsy, you trust that those who have accepted you did so, knowing just who that little girl in you is. They accepted you, all of you, when you opened your heart to them.

Look again, into that mirror.

Keep your naive sense of wonder, and hold to your ideals - imagine, as Alice, five impossible things before breakfast!

Dream - as John Lennon dreamed, as Martin Luther King, Jr. dreamed - and make those dreams a vibrant part of your reality.

Feed your passion and intensity - as Anais Nin was passionate and intense, so that others who share your world can do so joyfully.

Face each new day, each challenge and celebration like a child. “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars -- you have a right to be here.” Dance, sing, laugh and love with the freedom of a child.

See that girl, staring back at you?
She loves you.
I love you.

-Me.