Winter Solstice

In the bleak midwinter Frosty wind made moan, Earth stood hard as iron, Water like a stone; Snow had fallen, snow on snow, Snow on snow, In the bleak midwinter, Long ago.
~Christina G. Rossetti


O Winter! bar thine adamantine doors: The north is thine; there hast thou build thy dark, Deep-founded habitation. Shake not thy roofs, Nor bend thy pillars with thine iron car.
~William Blake


There's a certain Slant of light, Winter Afternoons-- That oppresses, like the Heft Of Cathedral Tunes--
~Emily Dickinson

It snowed and snowed, the whole world over, Snow swept the world from end to end. A candle burned on the table; A candle burned.

~Boris Pasternak

Every mile is two in winter.
~George Herbert
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(http://www.flickr.com/photos/wader/9354427/sizes/m/in/photostream/)

I am feeling the winter solstice -- that longest darkest night between the comfort of the sun's last embrace, and the warmth of his next.  I last saw my Shepherd six weeks ago.  It was indescribable being with this man whom I love so deeply, and who loves me well, knows me deeply in return.  I will see him again, in six weeks.  Normally, we will try to schedule a weekend every two months, and in fact, we've done that.  The countdown has begun. However, what with the holidays, and two very long winter months... you see my point.  


"Every mile is two in winter." And right now, 251 feels like 500.


And 2.


Shepherd and I have often talked about how difficult it is to be so far from one we love.  Our relationship is built on phone calls, text messages and emails.  We schedule time each week for our 'being together apart' call, we reach for each other several times each day through the wonderful technology of smart phones, and I love it all.  Still we feel the distance, like hundreds of thousands of lovers throughout the ages who have, and still do live apart.  It is the world we live in, and it is the polyamorous relationship we have chosen.


On the other hand, quite literally, there is my Husband.  


Husband is very much monogamous, at this point.  He is working very hard at this open marriage.  I love him dearly, and am amazed that he would love me enough to adjust to me having other loves.  He is incredible, and the work is difficult.


Very difficult on us both.


Especially when the midwinter blues arrive, and I really, really want to be with my Shepherd.  I know my Husband senses the sadness in me.  I know he's frustrated by the fact that he can't fill that space.  I carry some guilt for what I think I'm putting him through... wanting to be with someone else while I'm with him.  Damn these emotions are hard to balance and impossible to control.  I love my husband deeply, need him, and enjoy the life we share.  Even when the work is hard, and the communication seems so strained and frustrating -- there is hope, affection and respect.  Husband acknowledges that there are needs in me he can't meet, spaces he can't fill.  He respects that I am a huge vessel and need the love of others poured into, and out of myself, in order to be happy.  Yet the emotions that come with that reality are sometimes heavy, and rough.  I don't like watching him carry them.  I'm sure he doesn't like watching me carry them either.


This night is dark, and cold.  I am warmed by the love of two men, and for that I'm grateful.  What I really want, is to see the sun.




Keep traveling, and mind your feet.

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