What I Would Say if You Were Still Reading

To Seoul:

Oh there are so many things to say, and so few. I miss you like hell, and I leave you messages still where you might read them and know. You were the first to show me what poly love was about. I wish I could talk to you now about how I've found my faith intact, and am happier than I ever thought possible. Your sense of boundaries and honor laid the groundwork for me, so I could learn how to live this life, and love my people with integrity and intensity. Your openness taught me that life is too short to hold back, or hesitate. I will risk. I will try. It's the only way to fly. I still walk in the rain. I still sit in the dark, and imagine. I still have a clock set to your time. I probably always will, just to remind me of the gifts you gave. You know where to find me, and I honestly believe that one day, beyond this world, we'll finally embrace. I'll be the girl puddle-jumping.

To Jester:
Yes, I know you still text me, that our distant, sporadic friendship is still intact, and I love you for that. It would have killed me to lose you completely. I am so grateful for the way you listened, you accepted the girlishness in me, and celebrated the fireflies, the special moments, the dreams and flights of fancy. You helped me to see myself in a different light, and gave me reason to believe in my own beauty, and emotion. You still have a way of reaching across the miles to let me know you're there, and with every connection I smile. I miss you like crazy. I hope you never doubt that. I'm happy about the life I have, and I'm glad you have some small part in it; we've known each other too long to walk away now. I still think of you when I grab my Burt's Bees. That damn song still catches me off guard. I still celebrate the birthday of the Marines, and I still wanna see your new tattoos. Someday, when things are different... we will do all that and more.

To No. 6:
I miss your laugh, and the way we could have marathon conversations about anything. I find myself wondering at random moments whether you joined the force, how your son is doing, whether you letterbox together. I can't go to that coffee house without thinking of Alestair Dorian. I think of you every February 3, and remember the day the Music died. I get it now, not the why, but the how, I suppose. You made the best choice, and it could not have been easy. I thought of you especially this last month when I went to Renne. I walked around all day holding hands with two lovers; you ignited the spark for that dream. When I think of you now, I smile. I whisper to the universe that I hope you are well, and your heart is filled with happiness and love. I hope you still believe in your amazing potential. I wonder if your smile reaches those striking grey eyes. I wish you every good thing, and still hope that someday you'll show up in my inbox, or on my phone. You can't blame a girl for wishing she hadn't lost her friend. Be well.

To Zephy:
I miss your poetry, your love of language, and the way you could teach me the most interesting, things with incredible insight for someone so young in the world. I miss the sound of your laughter, and your sense of humor. I think often of the woman who will become your wife, give you children, share your life. I know she's out there. I wonder if you're happy with your path, if you are proud of the man you're becoming. I wonder if you know how amazing you are. I think of you every time I hear the Beatles, and still have a soundtrack playing while I work. I learned from you that I choose to submit. I choose to honor the relationship, no matter how I feel at the time. I learned from you that there is nothing more moving than a poem spoken aloud. I learned that there's no obstacle that's not worth fighting to surmount, or tear down. I wonder if you know that you will always have a friend in me, even if you choose never to take me up on the offer. I would love to hear of your accomplishments, to celebrate them with you. I'd love to chat about language one more time. Don't ever lose that, please. Keep it safe in you. It's your strength, that passion. I know, it's mine too.

To others, and to each of these:
There are those others whose footprints I see on these pages once in a while. Each stops by silently, lingers a while, and leaves nothing but tracks. I would comment, but some things are better left unsaid. Just know I see the crumbs you leave behind. I wish you well, and even if you don't wish me the same, I can deal with that. The truth is, no matter what your wishes, I am happy, surrounded by people who love me, growing, changing and building that life we each spent so many combined hours dreaming and talking about. What I have now is beyond anything I could have imagined, and I'm working my ass off to nurture and protect it. You fill my thoughts so often, and I know I would not be who I am today without the fingerprints you each left on my heart and life. Thank you each for the part you played in making me believe it was possible, and worth fighting for. Whether you meant good or evil, I thank you. I am who I am today because of the choices I made with each of you. I'm proud of that.

I wish you well,


Ephe

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