A year passed away, and the King took another wife. She was very beautiful, but so proud and haughty that she could not bear to be surpassed in beauty by anyone. She possessed a wonderful mirror which could answer her when she stood before it and said - "Mirror, mirror upon the wall, Who is the fairest of all?"
- Snow White, Grimm’s Fairy Tales“Let's pretend the glass has got all soft like gauze, so that we can get through. Why, it's turning into a sort of mist now, I declare! It'll be easy enough to get through--” She was up on the chimney-piece while she said this, though she hardly knew how she had got there. And certainly the glass WAS beginning to melt away, just like a bright silvery mist. In another moment Alice was through the glass, and had jumped lightly down into the Looking-glass room. - Through the Looking Glass, by Lewis Carroll (Chapter 1)
Mirror, mirror upon the wall...
Oh, wait. Wrong fairy tale.
For some reason I identify more readily with the girl in Lewis Carroll’s tales.
“I don't understand you," said Alice. "It's dreadfully confusing!"
"That's the effect of living backwards," the Queen said kindly: "it always makes one a little giddy at first." - Through the Looking Glass, by Lewis Carroll, (Chapter 5)
You may know her best from her adventures in Wonderland, where she was curiouser and curiouser, quite imaginative, overly polite, a bit mischievous, often brave and far too gullible. In the Looking Glass story, her imagination opens the mirror over the mantle and she slips through into a backwards, opposite, nonsensical world.
I’ve been fascinated with that opposite side of a mirror for quite some time, perhaps since I was a very small girl. In the past few years, I’ve been that girl chasing the rabbit, falling down the rabbit hole, wandering in a world that was magical and unbelievable, frightening and fantastic. And in the recent months, I’ve had several magical encounters with mirrors that weeks later still hold my attention, fast.
Shepherd has been consistently good about being my mirror, he reminds me who I am and what I want, he celebrates me. Husband is beginning to be a sort of mirror for me too, he is seeing me differently, and I catch an occasional glimpse in his eyes, even the Dragonfly Girl is beginning to be a mirror for me of what it’s like for someone else to love Shepherd as I do. She loves me too, and that’s too magical for words yet. Recently we spent another weekend together, She, Shepherd and I, and at one point in the hotel room, the three of us met in crossing before the mirror, and embraced one another. The love I saw in the reflection filled me with wonder, and so many of the fears and insecurities built up over the past months melted away. In that mirror that keeps reflecting me, I see a woman who is valued, loved and wanted. I am surrounded by love, and I truly believe that feeling that love, seeing that love, trusting that love on the inside, makes me more beautiful on the outside.
There’s more though; isn’t there always?
I’m growing, changing. It’s not just about the emotional growth, though for me that’s a huge part of it lately. I am also changing as a person, in terms of what I like, what I enjoy. I recently stood before a mirror for a scene with Sir. I was restrained, I was beribboned, and I my eyes were wide with a mixture of adrenaline and wonder while he traced my flesh with the blade of a knife. I watched the light glint off of the blade in that glass reflection. I watched my breathing quicken, then stop, then spill out in a rush. I watched his hands, steady and slow, a matching glint in his eyes, and the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth. I watched that same smile draw gently at my lips. It was a strange and wonderful thing to both feel our energy, and watch it reflected in the mirror, as though through an outsider’s eyes. I saw many thing that night in Sir, that did not really surprise me. I saw in him love and desire, and the hunger of the Wolf I know. I saw in me something fairly new. I’m not sure it’s a surprise, but it is a change. It’s the evidence that I’ve grown and am learning myself better. I saw a woman more comfortable in my ‘wild’ skin than I’ve ever been, more sure of what she wants, what her appetites are, and what she might want to explore in the future.
Mirror, Mirror upon the wall...
I used to avoid mirrors. I didn’t like the reflection I saw there. It confused me, it disappointed me, it didn’t fit with who or what I thought I wanted to be, needed to be, to find my happiness. But I’ve learned from the me I see reflected in the eyes of those who really see and celebrate me. I am lovely. I am alluring, attractive, and appealing. I am sexy, and good and real. Sometimes I gaze for long moments into the eyes of that pretty, awkward, giddy girl staring back at me. We share a secret, she and I. It’s there, twinkling in her eyes and tugging at the corner of her smile. Sometimes she simply nods back at me, “I know... soon.” Other times, she smirks mischievously, and crooks her finger, inviting me to escape into the magical world on her side of the glass.
There really is a wonderland, on the other side of that mirror, where this Poet is loved and celebrated for being emotional, creative, passionate and polyamorous. There is a place filled with twisted and kinky fun and incredibly spiritual and moving power-exchange. There is a family there waiting, my family who loves me, wants me, and can’t wait to see me again. And when I do escape to their world, they will play and cuddle and tease and love me. They will honor me, include me, and celebrate me. They will bundle me up in love and send me back to this world when it’s time, filled with all the memories and knowledge of their love. And they honor every part of who I am in this world, mother, wife, daughter, sister...they love the girl on both sides of the mirror.
And you know what? So do I.
Widget by Bloggers University
No comments:
Post a Comment