Information, Please!?

dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves, since Doom
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn, and (stooping
through the morning) kiss
this pillow, dear
where our heads lived and were.

~E.E. Cummings

----------

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. 

That's why people are so cynical about it. 

It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. 

And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."

-Erica Jong

----------

We must develop a deeper interest and greater understanding of the people we meet here or abroad. Like us, they are passengers on board that mysterious ship called life.

-Ella Maillart

----------

“Really important meetings are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other.”

- Paulo Coelho

----------

by Mark Fischer on Flickr

Evidently the universe is trying to teach me something. 

Communication between lovers, between paramours, is paramount.  It is sometimes hard work, exhausting, frustrating and complicated.  Communication between metamours, those who are concomitant to paramours... partners of partners... is healthy, important, and sometimes just plain hard.

I spent the past weekend with Shepherd, and his primary, at her home in Houston.  I will call her Shepherdess, and hope that it conveys the deepest respect and appreciation, for that is what I feel.   The purpose of this visit, was to make a connection, forge a friendship.  I do not take lightly being invited, and for the most part I felt very, very welcomed.  This weekend was a new experience for all of us.  Not something we've done before, not something we were even sure how to do.  Shepherd and Shepherdess have a relationship dynamic that is the opposite of ours.  She is his Domme.  He is my Top.  I have never been in a Domme household.  The dynamic is foreign to me.  I tried very hard to bear in mind that I was there by her good graces, that every opportunity to both be alone with Shepherd and to share him with her was a gift.  i wasn't always completely comfortable, but I did feel very welcome, very much at home.

Shepherdess has done many things to make me feel an important and accepted part of Shepherd's life.  I don't know that I could welcome Husband's girl into my home and my bed, (Yes, we slept in a king sized bed... with Shepherd in the middle.) watch her kiss him, and flirt with him, and fall asleep in his arms.  Yet I was able to do all those things this weekend, and to see Shepherd do all those things with Shepherdess, too.  I was grateful, and that helped me to not give jealousy a place.  There was no real reason to feel jealous.  I was included.

There were two small things that happened that made me feel not so good.  I struggled with these two things, because I do not believe they were intentional.  But they did hurt my feelings.  I think they were born out of the fact that this sort of sharing isn't something any of us has done before.  I know it was uncomfortable for all of us.  I think we did a damned good job, in spite of a few rough edges.  I did not want to taint the good with my feelings of insecurity.  I kept them to myself, hating the thought of confrontation, and seeming ungrateful or disrespectful.  I took some time to journal about them late one night, and clear my thoughts so I could let them go for a time and enjoy the company.

I expressed them to Shepherd on the drive home; and that is a challenge for me.  I hate conflict so very much, I was tempted to hold them in.  But I am learning.  Emotions need to be heard, acknowledged, so they can pass.  And now, those things have been expressed to Shepherdess as well, by Shepherd, because she sensed there was something wrong, and he was honest when she asked.

There's more... of course.

On Monday, there was a miscommunication between Poet, myself, and Poet's primary.  I was trying to act with honor and integrity, but did not have all of the information.  It seems neither did Poet's primary.  Feelings were hurt, communication was strained to the point of breaking.  We have been up all hours of the night trying to work out this tangle.  Apologies have been made, and steps are being taken toward resolution, clearer communication.  Feelings have been expressed and heard, so now they can pass through us.

by Ell Brown on Flickr

Damn, this is fucking difficult!

I am sure that things will work out fine... that we will continue to learn and grow, to practice generosity and acceptance.  I wish sometimes it weren't so hard... on all of us.  

We are human. We are insecure. We are risking. 

I believe it is worth it, and am committed to being ethical, respectful, and honorable.  I will fail, but I will keep trying.  This too shall make us, all of us, stronger.  I just have to figure out what to do next, to address the feelings, and express my gratitude and respect.  I wish there were a book of answers for dummies.  Relationships don't work that way.

This road is bumpy.

Don't forget your maps, Travelers.

People who read this post also read :

Widget by Bloggers University