Flying

by Dave Hamster on Flickr

Flying without feathers is not easy; my wings have no feathers.
~Titus Maccius Plautus
----------
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.
~Leonardo Da Vinci
----------
I pick the prettiest part of the sky and I melt into the wing and then into the air, till I'm just soul on a sunbeam.
~Richard Bach
----------
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why oh why can't I?
~E.Y. Harburg
----------

I have my tickets... or my confirmation number anyway. I have my boarding pass... or I suppose I have my early-bird boarding confirmation, too.  The point is, on Friday morning I'll be flying 251 miles to see my Shepherd.  I am beside myself with eagerness and joy.  

There's something wonderful about the space between here and there, only when I'm in it, of course.  It's like slipping through a portal between worlds, and lingering there a while, butterflies dancing in my stomach.  There's a shift from my world to his, and back again.  

In Shepherd's world, there's a place for me, I fit there, welcomed by him and those who are important in his life.  It's a place where I go alone, leaving behind my motherness, my wifeness, my daughterness, my employeeness.  (I know, creating new words, I can't leave behind my writerness.)  In Shepherd's world I am just me, just his girl, and his poet, wanted and loved for being myself.

Husband's world is no less incredible.  In his world, in my primary world, I get to be wife, mother, daughter, sister, Mimi, lover and friend.  I wouldn't trade Husband's world for anything.  It's just that the two are a universe apart for me.  And that's a good thing.  Distance means I go, escape into Shepherd's world and enjoy. Then I come back  to Husband's world, refreshed, if a bit bruised.  I am welcomed with love and acceptance, and I am cherished for being me.

The truth is this.  In Shepherd's world, I miss Husband.  In Husband's world, I miss Shepherd.  I'm always wishing someone were there, or I were with someone, or that we were all... and that is too much to hope for, at this point.  Though I've wondered what it would be like just to sit down to dinner with both of them, or to celebrate a birthday, or a holiday with the men who carry my heart.

The other truth is this.  In that flying space between Shepherd and Husband, I am alone.  Waiting in the airport after my last trip to see Shepherd, I found myself staring out the window at the purple Dallas sky, as tears fell from my lashes.  I felt alone.  I missed Shepherd.  I missed Husband.  I'd had an amazing weekend, was tired and sore and incredibly happy.  I was looking forward to falling asleep in Husband's arms.  And I cried in my loneliness, then boarded a plane, and rode the wind back home.

It will be much the same this Friday morning, as I fly south to meet Shepherd.  I will be excited, eager to see him, to hold him close and feel his lips on mine.  Yet in part of my heart, I will begin missing husband.  I will feel acutely that sense of being alone, without either of them.    It's not always a bad thing.  Sometimes a few moments alone is exactly what I need to be able to breathe.  But I'm aware, always aware, of the distance between me and the ones I'm without.

At least I know I can fly.

People who read this post also read :

Widget by Bloggers University