You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
-Dr. Seuss
"Oh! The Places You'll Go!"
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I'm not sure where to begin with this first post, because I'm not at the beginning of my journey. I'm simply at the beginning of the process of chronicling my experiences and growth.
I write for two reasons, first to process my own thoughts and emotions. I want to sort things out -- learn, grow, and make good decisions -- and for me, writing has always been my way of doing just that. Second, I write to encourage and share my experiences with anyone who might find themselves reading my pages online. I'd like to think, at the very least, it would help others to know that I am on this path, and sometimes I stumble, and sometimes I skip, but I'm always trying to move forward.
And so, I think I'll begin with today. I'm smack dab in the middle of my life, and I've discovered that there is so much adventure to be had, I am determined not to wait to find it.
Over the past several years, I've learned that people are amazing, and filled with a great capacity to love. There are gold mines of wonder and delight to be found in the deep, dark places inside a person. I know, because I've been lucky enough to explore some breathtaking caverns inside of some amazing people. I hope, in future posts, to share with you some of that journey, and introduce you to some of those amazing people, without betraying their anonymity, of course.
I mentioned in the sidebar note, About the Traveler, that I will be flinging odds and ends into this drawer. I hope you won't be confused by things like time-lines and names and how all the puzzle pieces fit. I advise you to take each item as it stands, and enjoy whatever beauty you find. I offer to you, gentle reader, what I've learned, what I hope to learn, and the whole glorious, tangled mass that is my love-life. It's the best I have to offer:
I come from a very close knit, very spiritual family. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend. I have not always been responsible, or honest in my relationships. I've let love set me running down paths without thought, and let fear keep me from being honest with myself and those I love. I've made quite a mess of things, but I'm endeavoring to clean up, to make things right, and to move forward in a way that honors both me, and those I love.
I suppose I should begin with my husband. He has been my friend for half my life, a very good man, and one whom I love dearly. There was a stretch of time, a period of intense transition in my personal life, when I realized he couldn't give me what I need. He loves me, and I him, but my frustration with the limits of our relationship drove a wedge between us. I hid, and pulled away, and kept secrets from him. I will be sorry for the wounds I inflicted upon him, for a very long time.
He and I very nearly split, and I could not blame him if he decided, today, that he was finished with the whole mess I've made. But he has been incredibly patient, and willing to give me room to explore my heart, and its capacity to love more than one. I've been opening up to him, sharing with him the secrets I'd kept for so long. It's not an easy process. He's willing to walk this road with me, one step at a time, and knows that he's free to step away, if he ever decides it's too hard.
I am very lucky.
Today is Sunday, and every Sunday belongs to my husband. We try to schedule several hours to spend together, to talk, to laugh, to enjoy our friendship as we try to define our relationship from this point forward. I am looking forward to this afternoon with him. I hope to talk with him about the possibilities I see ahead, I'm opening my heart to a new friend, and hope my husband will be open to accepting and adjusting to changes as I make slow steps toward the unknown. I know we will have to navigate the rough patches together, and the journey will sometimes be painful. I also know that the joy will match the intensity of the hurt, and the work will be well worth the effort.
It's a strange thing, living every day beside someone, knowing that they may walk away, knowing that they have every right to do so. The choice to live this life was not an easy one. I may lose my marriage, I may lose friends, and loved ones. I have chosen though, to live, to the fullest, the life that makes me happy. It's already been a road of intense joy, and overwhelming grief. I refuse to live without risk, without intensity.
He used often to say there was only one Road; that it was like a great river: it's springs were at every doorstep and every path was it's tributary. "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door," he used to say. "You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no telling where you might be swept off to."
-The Lord of the Rings
Frodo about his uncle Bilbo Baggins, Chapter 'Three is Company'.
Keep your feet,
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