~ Sara Teasdale
Stars hid your fires. Let not light see my black and deep desires.
~ From The Talented Mr. Ripley
"Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability...nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff"
~ From The Ethical Slut by Dosie Eastman and Katherine Liszt.
I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.
~ Anais Nin
This post will probably be a crossover post both here and on my Concupiscence blog. It concerns one of those gray areas in my life, not specifically categorized as my "ethical non-monogamy relationship style" or as my "kink." These things have always been rather blurred around the edges. In this case, I think a dual-post is warranted -- if only to let you, dear reader, know that I have other blogs, for your reading pleasure.
The quote above by Anaiz Nin really speaks to me. I want to be dominated, by a man I can trust. I want to give my end of the tightrope to a man who can bear its weight and maintain the tension so that I can dance along it. I want to look into his eyes and see the physical, mental and spiritual strength I need. I want to know that he recognizes my intelligence, my strength, my beauty - and loves me enough to "sort me out" when it's needed, as Poppy would say.
I have two incredible relationships.
Husband and I have known each other for more than forty years, and have been together for nearly twenty-five. He is the man who has always taken care of me, spoiled me, watched out for me. He is my rock, the father of my children, the Poppa to my grand-babies. (No, I'm not a grandma... I'm a Mimi - a sexier, younger version of a grandma.) We've been friends since we were both fourteen. He's loved me longer than anyone except my parents, grandparents and siblings. I love him, and can't imagine a life without him.
Shepherd I've know not quite a year. We met online and spent one Saturday talking about polyamory. It's not like me to ask for someone's phone number, but at the end of the day, I did. After several more conversations, I learned that Shepherd was a Top, and a sadist... I was just beginning to explore my submissive side, and to learn that I am a masochist. I love the relationship I have with Shepherd. I didn't expect to fall in love with him so quickly, or so deeply, but I did. The connection we share is amazing, and I am in awe of it, every single day. We both have primary relationships, and we purposely honor the other loves in our respective lives. I love him, and plan to have him in my life for the next forty years.
I'm sure to some, what I'm about to say may sound selfish --- greedy. But I want more. I need more than what I'm getting from these two relationships. I don't blame either of these men I love for not being who they cannot be. They give me incredible happiness and I would not change the nature of either relationship. But I miss being dominated. I miss knowing that someone is always there to sort me out, to push me to be my best, to use me and adore me.
The thing is that much of what I need I get in my relationship with Shepherd. He is very good at dominating me. Being bottom to his Top is incredible. But we only do this every 8-12 weeks when I fly to Dallas for the weekend. As I said before, I wouldn't change the way Shepherd and I interact. He is just what I need him to be. I miss him when we are apart. But in terms of needing more than Shepherd and Husband, I miss being dominated, miss submitting completely to someone else's will. I miss that constant presence, that strength hovering over me protectively. I miss wearing a collar, and belonging to someone who will punish me when I need it, and reward me for being good.
The lines here are blurry. Shepherd and Husband both protect me, and take care of me. Shepherd uses me, bruises me, gives me the pain I need. I think perhaps the variable is mental and emotional. I need someone different. Someone who doesn't give me too many options, or too much leeway. I read sub girl's blog, and Poppy's submissions and her posts like this one on the blit she shares with Devlin, and I long for more. I just wish I could figure out what it is I'm looking for... and how to get it.
Mind your feet, and your legs and knees...